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Friday, 27 May 2011

Friday the Thirteenth and Dukan Week 13 (Take Three...)

You have no idea how many times I tried to write this post and failed.

First, it was Blogger. I couldn't even access the site for all of Friday and then on and off over that weekend.
Then, my guests arrived that stayed here for a week. I couldn't really lounge around tapping away on my Blog all day, even though they stayed next door most of the time. I still had two to seven children running around that needed goûters and hot cocoa making and plasters applying.
Then I found out that, due to my ongoing issues with my leg, I can't get a medical certificate allowing me to continue practising épee fencing. I'd started it up again, I am REALLY good at it and it is a fearsome workout. But I have to wait until my leg is 'fixed'.
THEN I fell as I was taking a basket of laundry up the stairs and severely pulled my left Achilles tendon. I didn't actually snap it, like I did to the right one in 2009, but it was enough that I haven't been able to manage a walk until yesterday.
Then I got an x-ray of said legs done, to see why I am having these ongoing pain issues and found the bone spurs on the bottom of my heels have grown back. I look like some kind of fighting chicken. I'm seeing a specialist in Saint Brieuc in a couple weeks to see if I need an operation.
Then I spoke to a very old and dear girlfriend and found out some things about one of my ex-husbands. Well... that kinda was the straw in the ointment and the cookie crumbled for me. It's harsh to find out stuff about oneself, about someone who you 'thought' had at one point held a least a tiny shred of affection (but didn't) and I feel like such a fool. I also guess I know how Diana must have felt when she realised what was going on between Chuck and Cammy.
But I've accepted it, I've worked through it, I've decided it is part of my past and I refuse to think about what was (or was not.) I've now thrown off the blanket of depression and I'm back in the sunshine again.
These above are what I'll call "rationalisations" for not posting on my Blog about my weight.
Banging on about accountability doesn't mean diddlily squat if I don't follow through, even if it is just for myself, so, I apologise to myself and anyone else interested. And I forgive myself and hope you'll do the same.

Even though I was ignoring the Blog, I still kept up with what I've been eating on the Livestrong site. (And if anyone cares about what I actually eat on this regime, my Food Diary is public.) I do what I guess is called 'Emotional Eating'. I might have been unhappy as all get out but those warm, homemade Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Toasted Pecan cookies sure as hell helped. Especially when dunked into that enormous glass of Cognac. (Which is actually in reserve for my Christmas Fruitcakes, but I digress.)

Did falling off the wagon and breaking my regime REALLY help? No. It gave me the sugar high from Hell and I woke up with a massive hangover the next day. Plus I ended up putting weight right back on, weight I've been fighting to take off and KEEP off! Bloody wol me, that's for sure.

So, with yet another burst of renewed resolve, I began again.

When our friend Kate died, her sister gave me all of her clothes and many of her personal effects to give to Charity or use ourselves. I took about a hundred books down to the AIKB library, about 10 black plastic bags full of clothing down to Secours Catholique (they were delighted because it was all really nice and new, better women's clothing.) But I decided to keep ahold of her shoes and a lot of her 'casual' clothing. It was too small for me but I figured the girls would get 'play clothes' use out of it (and they have.)

Well, in that mass of shoes (30 pairs!) was a pair of MBT trainers. My older daughter wore them one day and said that I should try them. This makes no sense to me, I had tried them on four years ago and it was like Cinderella's Ugly Stepsister and the Glass Slipper, no way José. But, just two days ago, I tried them on again and the left one fit perfect, the right one was a bit snug but ok with thin socks. My FEET have shrunk?

The reason I say anything is because I can walk in these shoes and the pain is reduced probably 75%. I don't NEED to limp. A couple of paracetamol and it's ok. Of course when I take the shoes OFF, then my tendon screams bloody revenge, but, while walking it is lulled into a false sense of security, that's ok by me!
This is from this morning and yes... that is the heavy side of 84kg.

I'm not giving up. I did slow down, I did backslide but I'm still here. That is what is important to me.

I read a fabulous quote from a woman who basically had her stomach removed so she could lose weight.
You can't continue the same behaviour
 and expect a different result.

That applies to so many, many situations in my life. I'm in charge of me. It's me that needs to change if I'm not content with my situation, I can't expect the world around me to do so. Evolution just ain't that quick. And I have to keep telling myself this fact over and over. I'm hoping one day it will precede all my actions, even possibly one day it will even precede my thoughts.

I have to keep trying to improve. I'm still a work in progress, yes. And please God may it be many years before the final touches have been applied; I still have a long way to go. And I know it.

Because... I might not measure up to some others, but, I am still me. I am still a valid human being. I have worth. And there's only ONE unique, frustrating, complicated and sometimes silly moi.

And *I* am the one with that Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Toasted Pecan cookie recipe.
So there!

I wish you a fabulous, sun-drenched and glorious weekend! I'll be back very soon with something completely random and rather nonsensical but fun! :D

Warm regards, Kitty

15 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hmm. Are you sure your over-eating is an emotional thing rather than an appetite disorder? I heard of an enormously obese man who allowed his doctors to imprison him so they'd have complete control of his diet. After a year, they got him down to a normal weight, but to keep at that weight he had to endure a permanent feeling of starvation, even though he was eating normally. The doctors concluded his hunger response was not functioning properly.

Kitty said...

Gorilla Bananas: Good question! I actually did suffer from Anorexia for a time but I recovered completely by leaving SoCal Theatre and the neurotic world that encompasses it, getting healthy and pissing off to England for a year.
I have actually thought long and hard about 'the why of overeating' since I embarked upon this weight-loss journey. I know I'll eat, even if not hungry, if I am upset over something; I comfort myself by eating a food that holds memories of feeling secure, wanted, accepted and valued. At one point in my life, I would have had a drink and a cigarette instead, but I've been smoke-free since '96 and alcohol is more like a poison to my body than a balm. So, I try to avoid it.

If I stay mindful of my natural hunger response, and only eat when my appetite tells me to do so, I'm fine. But it's constant checks and balances for me, I screwed up my appestat by being 'mindless' for decades. Now I really need to stop and think, "Am I REALLY hungry or just sad/angry/disappointed/lonely etc."

It would be nice to blame a screwed up or wonky hunger response but I'm afraid my overeating and why I do it lands squarely in my lap!

Kind regards, Kitty

Annette said...

Good for you - we all fall of the wagon from time to time. The important thing is getting back on! I use LiveStrong too. Yesterday, I got home from work with a migraine and promptly binged on chocolate. ...and I didn't record it. Did you record your cookie binge? Just curious. I was too embarrassed even tho no one sees it except me.

Kitty said...

Annette: I did indeed record my cookie binge (though I listed them as Tollhouse cookies.) AND I recorded the Cognac I consumed. AND the Stilton. AND the Chocolate Love muffins... (oh, failed to mention those, didn't I?)

It's my responsibility to make correct food choices for myself. But I'm not in the least tiny bit perfect and I want others to know I recognise that fact about myself and own it. Even though I fluff up and do/eat/drink stupid things I MUST acknowledge I have done it. It's part of how I decided to change myself. It's a MAJOR personality change but it's happening. I will never again place blame anywhere but on my own fair shoulders for my own actions.

It's a 'thing' that gets on my tits about others and I won't allow it to continue to be a part of my life or my character any longer.

But even though I'm not perfect, I'm still achieving my goals, I'm still continuing to get more and more healthy, I'm still on track. If I can do it, seriously, anyone can. It just needs starting and following through. It just needs commitment and hope. I want others to know that.

For me there is always hope. As long as I'm alive, there is hope.

Hugs and quiches, Kitty xx

English Rider said...

Anyone who has the courage to wrangle seven children is a hero to me. I used to drive school carpool when it was my turn and only survived by convincing all the kids that my mini-van was equipped with an ejector-seat button on the dashboard, in case they wouldn't behave.

Kitty said...

English Rider: The ejector-seat button idea made me chuckle, you're funny.

Let me be quick to point out that of those seven children, only two were mine. My third is now 22 and living in Albuquerque, the other five were my daughters' school friends. And these are French children: if you want a break and for everyone to be quiet and sit still, you just place food in front of them and you get at least 30 minutes of polite chewing and conversation.

I love this age of children. My daughters are 11 and 13 so their friends they bring over are 10 to 14. Even though by necessity the conversations are a bit limited (because of my inferior command of French) they are still interested and engaging. It's all rather fun. And I get to share my American/English culture with them, which they find 'très cool'.
So Sarah and Dorothée (who are sleeping over this weekend) will be getting Porridge for breakfast and proper cinnamon toast for goûter. Lunch? Well who can say no to either homemade Hawaiian Pizza or Cantonese Egg-Fried Rice?

I find nothing wrong with bribing for good behaviour using food. Nope, not one little bit. :)

Hugs and quiches from Kitty xx

The Pliers said...

That quote was probably from Carney Wilson...

I know that mothers are known for having little, if any, time to read, however, do you have a friend in the USA who could send you an abebooks or alibris used book copy of "Rapt: Living the Focused Life" by Winifred Gallagher?

I think that the book would be right up your alley at this time in your life and that you would cherish its contents for the support that it could offer as you continue to work on your own version of an "authentic" life without killing yourself overwork, fatigue, worry, food, alcohol, or exercise.

I cannot speak to the question of "weight" at the moment, as I myself have put back on pounds that I once lost. But, with respect, to old husbands, I can say that, in the end, they will all be dust just like us.

"Atta girl!"s in spades, ma chère.

Kitty said...

The Pliers: Thank you for questioning the providence of the quote, I like to know where things come from and give credit where due. Apparently Alcoholic Anonymous also uses the above quote. But I also found this: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Albert Einstein" I don't choose to be insane, so, I need to be mindful to make my actions, reactions and impulses different.

This would be so much easier if I could afford therapy... in English. But then, I never thought 'getting better' and more 'authentic', as you note, would be easy.

Yes, I do have many friends in the States, I'll ask to have that sent over. I make time for myself every evening, after the girls are in bed and the house is reasonably tidy to read a little bit. Plus I always allow part of Sunday to be just for me, and the girls completely respect that. They get a sane and happy Mummy in return.

Yes, old husbands will eventually be dust, and what they did to me can no longer harm me, unless *I* allow it. But your remark also had me humming 'Dust in the Wind' by Kansas. Ah, my youth! :D

Thank you for the 'Bien joué!!' I can use all of those on offer.

Hugs and quiches from Kitty xx

GaynorB said...

Hi Kitty,

Just had a quick skim, but it deserves a better read and a considered reply.

Watch this space......

Best wishes
Gaynor

Deborah said...

Kitty, you're honest and brave, and that's what's going to get you to your goal. Having health problems is a kick in the teeth and I don't blame you for being laid low by them. But from here on the sidelines, I just see somebody who has guts and determination with a healthy dose of self-knowledge, and can only cheer her on.

Loved the quote, btw.

Kitty said...

Deborah: I haven't always been honest; with others nor with myself. I used to lie all the time, to the point I started believing my own fabrications. That seriously hurt me, my family, my friends and killed off at least one important relationship.
It took me years to become brave enough to face up to parts of my past, work through it, forgive myself for my behaviour at the time and if not to necessarily 'forgive others', at least to stop hating.

Well, stop hating quite so much. I'm still working on that one...

Keep cheering me on, thank you, and I'll keep moving forward. Even glaciers get there eventually. And Teutonic Plates.

Hugs and quiches from Kitty xx

P.S. Something you said the other day on Temptation of Words cut me to the marrow with it's truth for me. It was in reply to "Fear of actually completing something and having to risk showing it to someone."

"It's way easier not to try, and therefore have a built-in excuse for not succeeding."

Wow. Thank you. That really hits home with something major I've been working on. I appreciate the reality check-up, even though it was unintentional.

MilkJam said...

I am totally an emotional eater, I binge on sweet things like you. Once I start I can't stop and it's so hard not to start in the first place.
I've never been thin and am trying to lose weight. Tried Dukan last year which worked for me but unless I'm following somehting strict once I go off I go off hard.
So I saw a dieticienne last week and worked out a daily food guide. It's so much easier to follow and allows me 1 sweet guilty treat a week as well as one pizza/tarte salee treat a week as well. I would recommend seeing one if you can, they tailor it to your eating habits so it's not as hard to stick to. Plus the young woman I saw was so nice.
Hang in there, I read your blog and like to follow up with how things are going!

Kitty said...

GaynorB: I think you should take full advantage of your week here and just relax! I'll still be here when you get back to Blighty! xx

Pfff, no one looks at the state of your windows here, that's why French (and English) have nets, n'est-ce pas? :D OK, that and so they can twitch them... hehe.

Hugs and quiches from Kitty

Kitty said...

Milk Jam: I DID see a dietician but found her approach rather pathetic. In the end I already KNOW about nutrition, calories, fat grams, etc, (I trained as a Science teacher) so that just didn't work for me. If it does for you, fantastic! Dukan, and keeping a food diary, just plain WORKS for me. However we can get there is what is important! So, well done you! You go girl, keep it up!

I have struggled with my weight since I hit puberty. I NOW know the WHY of my overeating and how to take steps to either avoid it OR to go ahead and overeat knowing there are consequences to doing that. I fluff up, I know it, but by keeping a VERY STRICT food diary, I can also see how to remedy my mistakes. Plus I no longer beat myself up over it.

I think that what really helps ME is looking at myself, naked, in my full-length mirror every morning, really looking. I accept how I look. I congratulate myself on how far I've come. I tell myself I might have far to go, BUT, I am getting there. I look 'normal' to myself, now. I will never look like a SoCal Beach Bunny nor half of the women walking the streets of Paris, but that's ok. I am happy in my skin, and that to me is top priority.

I'll continue to watch what happens with you and Mystery Guest! :D

Hugs and quiches from Kitty

Mariette said...

Dearest Kitty,

Well, you've landed a long way away from home... Chattanooga to the Côtes d'Armor in France. Hope you feel settled well and also that you can get yourself in control for keeping the sugar out of your mouth (and body...) and all refined flours. Eat healthy fruits and veggies and walk those shoes!

Lots of success and lots of love,

Mariette

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