Sunday, 29 May 2011

The Rapture, or, Throwing a party and the Guest of Honour fails to appear.

Yes, very VERY awkward, at least for the dozens or more who actually quit their jobs, spent all their money and otherwise burned their bridges.

OK, Jesus, but you DID say...

Folks, if some Yahoo who is spouting stuff he couldn't possibly know himself ALSO has a 'Donate' button on their website, well, it's rather some kinda clue, now isn't it?

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but, I'm still here! A week later and still not a thing has occurred.
Actually, The Rapture happened but none of us were deemed worthy of being called. You might have found one of these on your front door, like I did:

I DID think about it long and hard, what if something does happen? Hmm. I decided that I'd choose to stay here on Earth. I could be a lot of help to those left behind plus some of my loved ones and dear friends most certainly would not be going anywhere. Plus, what use would I be in Heaven? No, if it's OK with God, Jesus and whomever else decides these things, leave me on Earth to help those in need. Heaven can wait, so to speak. I have Eternity.

On the other hand, I suppose if I'm going to end up in Hell, all the Texans and I can get together with my friends from the Desert and install air-conditioning.

So, the Fundies have now decided WHY there are no more dinosaurs here on Earth. No, it was NOT a gigantic comet that hit the Earth or any of that scientific nonsense, nope...

Now doesn't that just make a LOT more sense?

I hope this generated a giggle, that's why I posted on this Fête des Mères. Now I shall leave you with a lovely song that has some lush artwork/animation. Simply beautiful.

Green grass... yes, and I'm thinking the soft green spring wheat..

I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend, and for me, in my mind I'm sailing into the sunset...

Warm regards and calm winds from Kitty.

Friday, 27 May 2011

Friday the Thirteenth and Dukan Week 13 (Take Three...)

You have no idea how many times I tried to write this post and failed.

First, it was Blogger. I couldn't even access the site for all of Friday and then on and off over that weekend.
Then, my guests arrived that stayed here for a week. I couldn't really lounge around tapping away on my Blog all day, even though they stayed next door most of the time. I still had two to seven children running around that needed goûters and hot cocoa making and plasters applying.
Then I found out that, due to my ongoing issues with my leg, I can't get a medical certificate allowing me to continue practising épee fencing. I'd started it up again, I am REALLY good at it and it is a fearsome workout. But I have to wait until my leg is 'fixed'.
THEN I fell as I was taking a basket of laundry up the stairs and severely pulled my left Achilles tendon. I didn't actually snap it, like I did to the right one in 2009, but it was enough that I haven't been able to manage a walk until yesterday.
Then I got an x-ray of said legs done, to see why I am having these ongoing pain issues and found the bone spurs on the bottom of my heels have grown back. I look like some kind of fighting chicken. I'm seeing a specialist in Saint Brieuc in a couple weeks to see if I need an operation.
Then I spoke to a very old and dear girlfriend and found out some things about one of my ex-husbands. Well... that kinda was the straw in the ointment and the cookie crumbled for me. It's harsh to find out stuff about oneself, about someone who you 'thought' had at one point held a least a tiny shred of affection (but didn't) and I feel like such a fool. I also guess I know how Diana must have felt when she realised what was going on between Chuck and Cammy.
But I've accepted it, I've worked through it, I've decided it is part of my past and I refuse to think about what was (or was not.) I've now thrown off the blanket of depression and I'm back in the sunshine again.
These above are what I'll call "rationalisations" for not posting on my Blog about my weight.
Banging on about accountability doesn't mean diddlily squat if I don't follow through, even if it is just for myself, so, I apologise to myself and anyone else interested. And I forgive myself and hope you'll do the same.

Even though I was ignoring the Blog, I still kept up with what I've been eating on the Livestrong site. (And if anyone cares about what I actually eat on this regime, my Food Diary is public.) I do what I guess is called 'Emotional Eating'. I might have been unhappy as all get out but those warm, homemade Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Toasted Pecan cookies sure as hell helped. Especially when dunked into that enormous glass of Cognac. (Which is actually in reserve for my Christmas Fruitcakes, but I digress.)

Did falling off the wagon and breaking my regime REALLY help? No. It gave me the sugar high from Hell and I woke up with a massive hangover the next day. Plus I ended up putting weight right back on, weight I've been fighting to take off and KEEP off! Bloody wol me, that's for sure.

So, with yet another burst of renewed resolve, I began again.

When our friend Kate died, her sister gave me all of her clothes and many of her personal effects to give to Charity or use ourselves. I took about a hundred books down to the AIKB library, about 10 black plastic bags full of clothing down to Secours Catholique (they were delighted because it was all really nice and new, better women's clothing.) But I decided to keep ahold of her shoes and a lot of her 'casual' clothing. It was too small for me but I figured the girls would get 'play clothes' use out of it (and they have.)

Well, in that mass of shoes (30 pairs!) was a pair of MBT trainers. My older daughter wore them one day and said that I should try them. This makes no sense to me, I had tried them on four years ago and it was like Cinderella's Ugly Stepsister and the Glass Slipper, no way José. But, just two days ago, I tried them on again and the left one fit perfect, the right one was a bit snug but ok with thin socks. My FEET have shrunk?

The reason I say anything is because I can walk in these shoes and the pain is reduced probably 75%. I don't NEED to limp. A couple of paracetamol and it's ok. Of course when I take the shoes OFF, then my tendon screams bloody revenge, but, while walking it is lulled into a false sense of security, that's ok by me!
This is from this morning and yes... that is the heavy side of 84kg.

I'm not giving up. I did slow down, I did backslide but I'm still here. That is what is important to me.

I read a fabulous quote from a woman who basically had her stomach removed so she could lose weight.
You can't continue the same behaviour
 and expect a different result.

That applies to so many, many situations in my life. I'm in charge of me. It's me that needs to change if I'm not content with my situation, I can't expect the world around me to do so. Evolution just ain't that quick. And I have to keep telling myself this fact over and over. I'm hoping one day it will precede all my actions, even possibly one day it will even precede my thoughts.

I have to keep trying to improve. I'm still a work in progress, yes. And please God may it be many years before the final touches have been applied; I still have a long way to go. And I know it.

Because... I might not measure up to some others, but, I am still me. I am still a valid human being. I have worth. And there's only ONE unique, frustrating, complicated and sometimes silly moi.

And *I* am the one with that Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Toasted Pecan cookie recipe.
So there!

I wish you a fabulous, sun-drenched and glorious weekend! I'll be back very soon with something completely random and rather nonsensical but fun! :D

Warm regards, Kitty

Monday, 16 May 2011

Uh, yeah.

Sorry about this, but I've fallen into a slight pit of depression. After I figure how to climb back out, regular service will be resumed.
Kind regards, Kitty

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Moments of Joy and Dukan week 11

I love Savage Chickens.... I posted this because I use imagination A LOT. I have these ongoing conversations, in my mind, with important people in my life, people I no longer have contact with. Like my Mother, my Father, people from my past.
I also have this great parallel world I inhabit with The Man I Love. I don't spend my entire life there, but it helps me when I'm feeling vulnerable. I can imagine his strong arms around me, I can bury my face into his chest and feel safe. And loved.

Then I return to reality and face what I need to face. A bit stronger. Not quite so alone.

How was your week?

Mine just flew by. I had a houseful of both girls' school friends running about, chattering in French, playing hide & seek or 'cache-cache', creating 'forts, dens and cabins' and munching on my proffered baked goodies while drinking big mugs of hot chocolate. It was great, I really loved it. Everyone was happy and the sound of laughter rang through the place all week. Brilliant.

I decided to allow my Sour Cream Streusel Coffeecake recipe to have an affair with my Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe and they created a Cupcake/Muffin Love Child. The smell was intoxicating coming straight out of the oven. The top had caramelised into this buttery caramel crust. I tried it. It was.... unbelievable... so... I ended up eating three more. And two more today. Which just proves I can't be trusted alone in a kitchen with my own baked goods.

No... now that you've asked, they aren't in the LEAST Dukan friendly. I still tracked them on my Livestrong  My Plate thing. Then skipped dinner. And took a very long walk. And did a LOT of these 'Butt Busting' exercises.

I'm not posting the recipe because you'll hate me. Plus, a woman has to have SOME secrets, you know....

(If you know me in real life, and ask nicely, I'll bake some for you. But you have to come pick them up.)

Today's quote is really good, so, I want to share it with you:
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela
I still have many, many fears. The fear that I will die alone, forgotten, in poverty. The fear that I won't be able to provide for my children. The fear that I will fail. The fear that I'll never be forgiven for mistakes I've made. And probably the worst fear of all: the fear that my best just isn't good enough.

I live with these fears. They can never control me, but, they still sneak out from time to time and torment me. But by naming them, I take away some of their control and power over me. My fears can never stop me from laughing, can never stop me from enjoying my now, my present. I know they'll still be around tomorrow, I know I can never completely get rid of them all. But, that's OK with me. I can laugh at myself. Laughter is a very powerful weapon in my arsenal.

The fear I will always be fat, obese, ugly, unhealthy and un-sexy is gone. My silhouette is normal, now. Even though the weight loss has slowed down considerably, it is still happening. I look OK without clothes, I don't shudder looking at myself in a mirror. Yes, I am super-duper flabby; you don't go from a lifetime high of over 21 stones down to under 13 without looking like a deflated blimp, this is true. I know I need to focus on toning up, but that's going to be a very long and ongoing process. I have lots of muscles that have been asleep for years. So, I'm starting gradually.

So, 82kg. A bit more released into the fat ether which I don't need to have return again. That makes 16kg / 2 1/2 stones / 35 pounds total reduction in the last 11 weeks. I'm really pleased with that. Add to it the fact I feel fantastic!!! Stepping on the scales yesterday was a moment of joy. Because even though I fluffed up, a bit, and made stupid food choices, I was able to correct it by extra exercise and knowing I haven't failed at my regime, not whatsoever. I make mistakes, I forgive myself, I make amends and carry on. The sun rises in the morning, tomorrow is another chance and another day. A brand new day. Perfect seque for some Sting, eh?

Sting - Brand New Day...

I hope you have a fabulous week!
Hugs and quiches from Kitty x