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Saturday, 7 May 2011

Moments of Joy and Dukan week 11

I love Savage Chickens.... I posted this because I use imagination A LOT. I have these ongoing conversations, in my mind, with important people in my life, people I no longer have contact with. Like my Mother, my Father, people from my past.
I also have this great parallel world I inhabit with The Man I Love. I don't spend my entire life there, but it helps me when I'm feeling vulnerable. I can imagine his strong arms around me, I can bury my face into his chest and feel safe. And loved.

Then I return to reality and face what I need to face. A bit stronger. Not quite so alone.

How was your week?

Mine just flew by. I had a houseful of both girls' school friends running about, chattering in French, playing hide & seek or 'cache-cache', creating 'forts, dens and cabins' and munching on my proffered baked goodies while drinking big mugs of hot chocolate. It was great, I really loved it. Everyone was happy and the sound of laughter rang through the place all week. Brilliant.

I decided to allow my Sour Cream Streusel Coffeecake recipe to have an affair with my Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe and they created a Cupcake/Muffin Love Child. The smell was intoxicating coming straight out of the oven. The top had caramelised into this buttery caramel crust. I tried it. It was.... unbelievable... so... I ended up eating three more. And two more today. Which just proves I can't be trusted alone in a kitchen with my own baked goods.

No... now that you've asked, they aren't in the LEAST Dukan friendly. I still tracked them on my Livestrong  My Plate thing. Then skipped dinner. And took a very long walk. And did a LOT of these 'Butt Busting' exercises.

I'm not posting the recipe because you'll hate me. Plus, a woman has to have SOME secrets, you know....

(If you know me in real life, and ask nicely, I'll bake some for you. But you have to come pick them up.)

Today's quote is really good, so, I want to share it with you:
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela
I still have many, many fears. The fear that I will die alone, forgotten, in poverty. The fear that I won't be able to provide for my children. The fear that I will fail. The fear that I'll never be forgiven for mistakes I've made. And probably the worst fear of all: the fear that my best just isn't good enough.

I live with these fears. They can never control me, but, they still sneak out from time to time and torment me. But by naming them, I take away some of their control and power over me. My fears can never stop me from laughing, can never stop me from enjoying my now, my present. I know they'll still be around tomorrow, I know I can never completely get rid of them all. But, that's OK with me. I can laugh at myself. Laughter is a very powerful weapon in my arsenal.

The fear I will always be fat, obese, ugly, unhealthy and un-sexy is gone. My silhouette is normal, now. Even though the weight loss has slowed down considerably, it is still happening. I look OK without clothes, I don't shudder looking at myself in a mirror. Yes, I am super-duper flabby; you don't go from a lifetime high of over 21 stones down to under 13 without looking like a deflated blimp, this is true. I know I need to focus on toning up, but that's going to be a very long and ongoing process. I have lots of muscles that have been asleep for years. So, I'm starting gradually.

So, 82kg. A bit more released into the fat ether which I don't need to have return again. That makes 16kg / 2 1/2 stones / 35 pounds total reduction in the last 11 weeks. I'm really pleased with that. Add to it the fact I feel fantastic!!! Stepping on the scales yesterday was a moment of joy. Because even though I fluffed up, a bit, and made stupid food choices, I was able to correct it by extra exercise and knowing I haven't failed at my regime, not whatsoever. I make mistakes, I forgive myself, I make amends and carry on. The sun rises in the morning, tomorrow is another chance and another day. A brand new day. Perfect seque for some Sting, eh?

Sting - Brand New Day...




I hope you have a fabulous week!
Hugs and quiches from Kitty x

10 comments:

English Rider said...

Being a magnet for happy children is not so shabby an achievement:) Well done on everything else too.

GaynorB said...

Bravo!

Look how far you've come. Maybe it is the occasional break that is what actually enables you to keep going the rest of the time.

My diet has stalled at the moment but I take heart from reading about your experiences.

Keep laughing too ....... it is a powerful tonic.

Kitty said...

English Rider: Being a 'Good Mummy' is one thing I can hold up as an achievement. It's not something I came to instinctively, not by any means, it is something I grew into, over time, after mistakes, false starts, cul-de-sacs and wrong turns. But, luckily, my children are resilient and together we all grew in the process. Too bad I won't be having any more children of my own, however, there are always grandchildren to come. In another 20 years or so....

Kitty said...

GaynorB: Thank you! I want everyone to understand that if *I* can succeed, they can as well. I am one of the laziest, most unmotivated people to walk the face of the Earth. I procrastinate. I have made 'Work Avoidance' into an Olympic Event. Seriously, I could work avoid for many third-world countries and the European Union and still bring home the Gold... eventually.

If I can succeed, so can anyone. It just takes starting. Then continuing. One moment to the next. And never give up. (Or if you do, just start again.)

Change is not only possible, it is inevitable. And I am living proof of that fact.

You go girl, and get right back on track, I'm rooting for you!

Metropolitan Mum said...

Well done, you! And look how gorgeous you look!!
Love your quote. i shall print it off and pin it at my fridge. It's so true in many ways. xx

Deborah said...

I'm delighted at your happiness, Kitty. You've accomplished quite a lot, and the payoff of not just looking better, but feeling well must be terrific. One hell of a motivator, for sure.
But I don't know what to think about your parallel world. It kind of worries me, but on the other hand I can understand why you go there.

Lena said...

Your weight loss achievements are astounding, you must be very proud of yourself. You have a very pretty face and I always say that those blessed with great cheekbones don't have to worry how big their arse is! As you get older though, health reasons are often the main advantage.

Oh, and the Mandela quote is amazing. Thanks for sharing.

Kitty said...

Metropolitan Mum: That quote represents a lot of what I have dealt with in my past and what I still deal with today. I prefer it to "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." Call me a big ol' girl's blouse, but I'm scared a lot. I can't see how I could fail to be otherwise, in my situation, unless I turn just blithering oblivious to my surroundings.

But... the world is packed with people living in fear, I'm not alone. It's just seems to me I need to name the fear, face it and somehow make peace so I can live with it. I manage to do that by using humour, by reaching out to others and by not being so bloody hard on myself.

There are other challenges ahead, many more moments of joy and certainly a lot more frustrations... But, may I add... there is more than one Publishing House in the world. We'll all get where we need to be. Just keep swimming... ;)

Hugs and quiches from Kitty xx

Kitty said...

Deborah: Fall down, get up. Fall down, get up. It's like learning to downhill ski. Hopefully I'm falling in Utah powder snow and not on Vermont ice!

When I fall down, I try to think what my mentors would advise. "Get up!" is always the first thing that comes to mind, but, it's said with love and affection. That's why I use the parallel world; what I'm missing in my life is adult affection, care, tenderness and a recognition of worth.

I get constant unconditional love from my children every day, that is unwavering, that is something upon which I can depend. I receive fondness and warmth from my cat, but... though she is devoted to me, she is a cat.

It's obviously just not the same, you see? I'm lonely. I am very much a people person but having been burned so many times by my natural kindness and exuberance, I'm loathe to make new ties. So, that is why I retreat to a place where I know I'm loved for being 'just me', my opinion is respected and I feel validated. I'm not getting it in the real world but at least I can give it to myself in my imaginary world. As long as it happens I guess it doesn't matter the manner it's acquired.

I'm glad you understand.
Bisouxxx, Kitty

Kitty said...

Lena: Welcome to my Blog and thank you for your very flattering comment! My cheekbones are courtesy of my great-great Grandmother who was full-blooded Chocktaw with an amazing facial structure. Losing the lard has meant I no longer look like a squirrel hiding nuts for the winter; this is a good thing.

I am proud of what I've done so far, but, I also wish to have people understand that it is something they could also do themselves. I'm not magic or perfect. I have cheated dozens of times and paid for it later. I just forgive myself and try harder.
As long as I don't give up.

I am very close to my goal, even though I have backslid over the last two weeks. I also decided this morning I would really focus on starting over and ploughing through, regardless of the challenges I now face.

I'll get there. It won't be necessarily pretty. I CAN tend to moan a bit. I KNOW I am sure to cheat again. (Just never again like last week, with a very L A R G E glass of Cognac and a handful of my warm, homemade, chocolate chip cookies. Geez.)

Heh!! I'm human! :D
Kind regards, Kitt

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