You have no idea how many times I tried to write this post and failed.
First, it was Blogger. I couldn't even access the site for all of Friday and then on and off over that weekend.
Then, my guests arrived that stayed here for a week. I couldn't really lounge around tapping away on my Blog all day, even though they stayed next door most of the time. I still had two to seven children running around that needed goûters and hot cocoa making and plasters applying.
Then I found out that, due to my ongoing issues with my leg, I can't get a medical certificate allowing me to continue practising épee fencing. I'd started it up again, I am REALLY good at it and it is a fearsome workout. But I have to wait until my leg is 'fixed'.
THEN I fell as I was taking a basket of laundry up the stairs and severely pulled my left Achilles tendon. I didn't actually snap it, like I did to the right one in 2009, but it was enough that I haven't been able to manage a walk until yesterday.
Then I got an x-ray of said legs done, to see why I am having these ongoing pain issues and found the bone spurs on the bottom of my heels have grown back. I look like some kind of fighting chicken. I'm seeing a specialist in Saint Brieuc in a couple weeks to see if I need an operation.
Then I spoke to a very old and dear girlfriend and found out some things about one of my ex-husbands. Well... that kinda was the straw in the ointment and the cookie crumbled for me. It's harsh to find out stuff about oneself, about someone who you 'thought' had at one point held a least a tiny shred of affection (but didn't) and I feel like such a fool. I also guess I know how Diana must have felt when she realised what was going on between Chuck and Cammy.
But I've accepted it, I've worked through it, I've decided it is part of my past and I refuse to think about what was (or was not.) I've now thrown off the blanket of depression and I'm back in the sunshine again.
These above are what I'll call "
rationalisations" for not posting on my Blog about my weight.
Banging on about accountability doesn't mean diddlily squat if I don't follow through, even if it is just for myself, so, I apologise to myself and anyone else interested. And I forgive myself and hope you'll do the same.
Even though I was ignoring the Blog, I still kept up with what I've been eating on the
Livestrong site. (And if anyone cares about what I actually eat on this regime, my Food Diary is public.) I do what I guess is called 'Emotional Eating'. I might have been unhappy as all get out but those warm, homemade Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Toasted Pecan cookies sure as hell helped. Especially when dunked into that enormous glass of Cognac. (Which is actually in reserve for my Christmas Fruitcakes, but I digress.)
Did falling off the wagon and breaking my regime REALLY help? No. It gave me the sugar high from Hell and I woke up with a massive hangover the next day. Plus I ended up putting weight right back on, weight I've been fighting to take off and KEEP off! Bloody wol me, that's for sure.
So, with yet another burst of renewed resolve, I began again.
When our friend Kate died, her sister gave me all of her clothes and many of her personal effects to give to Charity or use ourselves. I took about a hundred books down to the AIKB library, about 10 black plastic bags full of clothing down to Secours Catholique (they were delighted because it was all really nice and new, better women's clothing.) But I decided to keep ahold of her shoes and a lot of her 'casual' clothing. It was too small for me but I figured the girls would get 'play clothes' use out of it (and they have.)
Well, in that mass of shoes (30 pairs!) was a pair of MBT trainers. My older daughter wore them one day and said that I should try them. This makes no sense to me, I had tried them on four years ago and it was like Cinderella's Ugly Stepsister and the Glass Slipper, no way José. But, just two days ago, I tried them on again and the left one fit perfect, the right one was a bit snug but ok with thin socks. My FEET have shrunk?
The reason I say anything is because I can walk in these shoes and the pain is reduced probably 75%. I don't NEED to limp. A couple of paracetamol and it's ok. Of course when I take the shoes OFF, then my tendon screams bloody revenge, but, while walking it is lulled into a false sense of security, that's ok by me!
This is from this morning and yes... that is the heavy side of 84kg.
I'm not giving up. I did slow down, I did backslide but I'm still here. That is what is important to me.
I read a fabulous quote from a woman who basically had her stomach removed so she could lose weight.
You can't continue the same behaviour
and expect a different result.
That applies to so many, many situations in my life. I'm in charge of me. It's me that needs to change if I'm not content with my situation, I can't expect the world around me to do so. Evolution just ain't that quick. And I have to keep telling myself this fact over and over. I'm hoping one day it will precede all my actions, even possibly one day it will even precede my thoughts.
I have to keep trying to improve. I'm still a work in progress, yes. And please God may it be
many years before the final touches have been applied; I still have a long way to go. And I know it.
Because... I might not measure up to some others, but, I am still me. I am still a valid human being. I have worth. And there's only ONE unique, frustrating, complicated and sometimes silly moi.
And *I* am the one with that Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Toasted Pecan cookie recipe.
So there!
I wish you a fabulous, sun-drenched and glorious weekend! I'll be back very soon with something completely random and rather nonsensical but fun! :D
Warm regards, Kitty
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