My House of Cards

If it was just one thing to deal with, I could cope, as I cope every day of my life. As millions of people worldwide cope with their own day-to-day difficulties.

In fact, two things to deal with are fine, even three, several, many. I can difficulty multi-task.

But....
When it is dealing with this stupid constant pain in my knee, which I have had since my compound tib-fib fracture in March 1993... well, ok. I am used to that pain, it is rather like 'white noise' and background, I have a coping strategy for that and most of the time I even forget it's there.

But....
When it is also dealing with the left hand side Achilles tendon pain, that my kinétherapist has now declared an 'affliction longe durée' because it is not getting any better. She doesn't understand why there has been absolutely no improvement other than possibly it's caused by a physiological malfunction and in that case, it's most likely inoperable. Unless the tendon snaps. THEN it can be fixed. It is painful to walk and it is excruciating to have someone press on it.

But.....
When is also dealing with 'Tennis Elbow' that makes it nearly impossible to pick up a cup of tea.

But.....
When it is also dealing with running out of fioul because I could only afford 250 litres and I can't get more for another two weeks. I've applied for help through Assistance Sociale but that usually takes two months to come through. In the meantime, I have plugged in the oil-fired heaters and turned on the electric hot water heater for the shower. Tremendously costly, but, rather like the poor man's shoes: all I can do.

But.....
When it is also getting the third degree grilling at Restos du Coeur because I'm not receiving a Pension Alimentaire from my ex-husband and the 'biological' father of my daughters. "Surely he sends you something, Madame? They are, after all, his children, yes?" "They are, but no, he does not." "He must help somehow... does he pay for their clothing? School trips? Canteen tickets?" It's now when I wish I knew how to say in French, 'He pays for bugger all, frankly.' I make a mental note to ask my eldest later. Look, folks, I have no job, no income, no money, no spousal support, no child support, nada. It's just me and RSA until I can 'create' some job out of thin air, a tuppence, a satsuma and a great idea. Until then, may I please be allowed some food for the children and myself? Pretty please? Thank you.

But....
When it is also my 12-year old being stopped by one of the advisers from her Martinique trip on the way back from our shopping trip at LeClerc. Then after a few pleasantries, and the woman saying, "Don't forget to stay in touch, dear." And my Spidey senses start tingling. And my daughter turns to me, quite matter-of-frankly as we continue on down the street, and whispers, "I think not, she's a lesbian, you see."

But....
When it is also having all but two electrical sockets now defunct so we have extension cords trailing all over the place. I have run through four packs of 10 amp fuses that go into the wall, I can't afford to buy any more. The electrician came to look, but, it needs a complete re-wire and that can't happen for a few weeks or months. Nothing happens here in France overnight, save strikes.

But....
When it is also coming out of your house and running smack dab into someone you did not want to run into...

Well, that was the final straw. Too many things came at me all at once. Actually more than I've gone into here, but some things are too difficult, raw, painful and personal to name, let alone discuss. Besides, even *I* am getting bored with this rant.

Heaven knows how you've sat through it.

My Doctor said there is no reason to suffer unnecessarily, I am not Christ on the cross atoning for the World's Sins. I agree. (Besides, I've never been a great Calvinist supporter.) I need to be here and present, I need to function for my children and for myself. I cannot spend hours of the day crying.

So, I am starting on anti-depressants again. These are different than the ones I was on before but are still an SSRI. Yes, they are a crutch. But I need a crutch, I'm broken. I need help to heal, to come to terms with my life situation, to find a way forward. My Doctor and I agreed to try this for a few months, see if I can't get over this difficult patch. So, Seroplex, 10mg, every night. Sadly, it has the same side effects as my last medication, notably 'Anorgasmia' and decreased libido. At least 'possible huge weight gain' isn't noted as common. I'll still keep a close eye on my weight, as that was the most depressing thing about taking anti-depressants last time: gaining something like 50 kg.

Because of my previous long-term use of Paroxetine, I have Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction which may never go away unless treated. At least I can hang a name on it now, and not just think it is all my fault because I was wired wrong. Or was caused by a lack of desire, it wasn't.

But anyway, the side effects aren't anything to concern me right now. I'm not looking forward to the 'Brain Zaps' that will come with discontinuing use. But then, at least I am aware of what's to come, I already know what to expect and I can plan for that future event.

I think I'll try making my emotional house out of something more substantial than cards or straw. I'm thinking fruitcake might have merit as a building material. At least, the American version. It's not like anyone ever eats it, is it?