Saturday, 20 November 2010

Writing Letters

When I feel at odds with the world, at odds with myself or confused with my situation, I write.

Sometimes it's a letter, oft-times it's a short story and from time to time it's just a long spilling out of disjointed thoughts.

Now, a lot of the time, this writing is just for me, or for a dear and close friend. Sometimes I write something completely stupid, I offend those around me, and because it is in fact written, I can't easily take it back. It's just as bad with my spoken words. I can be a bit of a hothead, I know this, I do NOT know when to step back and just shut up, I keep talking and digging myself in deeper, and deeper, and deeper until I can no longer see the light of day, let alone the person I was speaking with. Because they've high-tailed it out of here.

Honestly, you'd think after 52-nearly-53 years on Terra Firma, I'd have understood this about myself, I'd have learned to keep my thoughts to myself until fully formed and coherent, but, oh no.

Well... until now. Now I have learned this hard lesson, now I am applying it to my life.

Now that it's too late.

So, what I have decided to do is to write again. I need this outlet here, I need to communicate, I must be allowed to express how I feel or I shall explode. It's therapeutic for me. None of YOU need to read this, it's mostly just for me, it's how I need to cope with overwhelming changes going on around me. How I need to find my Northern Star, fix a course and attempt to tack my way through these stormy seas ahead. Come about. Beware of the boom. And try not to fall overboard.

The information I will put here will have little to do with my children, as I know 'certain individuals' still stalk me through this medium. However, there comes a time when you need to stand up to bullies, to people who would attempt to control your life, a life they no longer have any hold over whatsoever.

So, leave me alone, you know who you are, go find your own life and control that, you hear?

I shall be here writing letters, lots of them. The difference now is that I will re-read these letters, these missives, these musings; I will carefully edit them, I will ruminate over my different turns of phrase as I consider my words, as I reflect and contemplate, hold them up to the light and turn them this way and that. You see, in many ways, it's rather a labour of love what I am doing. Loving myself enough to effect change IN myself. Letting myself reach out and offer my words as little pieces of my soul.

The biggest difference between before and now is that even though I shall be crafting my words into what represents my self, in all possibility, in all certainty, I will never, ever send all of them.

Because sometimes, not hitting send is the very best thing you can do.

There... I already feel much better. All things considered.


English Rider said...

Hooray, You're back!
I treasure one comment you made "and then his dick fell off"
Don't show too much restraint. We love you, warts and all.

Keith Eckstein said...

Double Hooray - You're back!

Didn't know you had warts (English Rider reckons you have) but still love you!

All the best


P.S. Where exactly are the warts?

P.P.S. Photos (of warts) or, are they too personal?

P.P.P.S. Any good recipes? Have got 2 guinea pigs about ready for the pot?

e said...

Well, of all the days I might have decided to visit...I'm glad you're back though you weren't really gone...

I don't worry about warts or even lame posts, as I have plenty of both myself.

Best to you and do keep writing!

Duckwife2 said...

The catharsis of words! So often we allow ourselves to float along on the tides like a skim of oil, with the waves moving under. There must be times when it's allowed to dive deep and see what the elements have brought us, and how that hidden landscape has changed. More importantly, what resources we have to help us finally, finally morph into our true self. The deep scares me, so I, like the oil, tend to float. It's a choice. I'm happy that way. You are a deep diver B. Enjoy your findings as well as the process for me too. Thank you for sharing the journey, warts and all.

Kitty said...

English Rider: We all need someone to make us smile, you do that for me very often, I've just not had the courage to raise my head above the parapet and say so, but now I am. So, thank you for that, it's made these months much more bearable. I don't intend to stop writing again, you may give me a virtual push if I falter, please?

Keith: Of course I have warts, I live in France, don't I? Luckily, none are physical, they're all emotional and imaginary.
Yes, I have a few recipes coming along for you and Jill right now, just finishing uploading pictures and obsessing over the editing!

e: Thank you, your words are very gentle and kind and I appreciate them. I guess sometimes situations force us into a place where we question everything about what we are doing and why we are doing it. I have to let these questions spill out onto this Blog or I'll just burst!

Duckwife2: Being able to be in touch with you again after all these many years is such a gift, thank you, I cherish it. You're right, I do plunge into the deep and search out what I can find, what changes I can effect upon myself and often the change is just for the sake of it... but I've often wished I could be more like you: steady and sure with a clear course in mind.
I don't see you floating along at all, I see you consider, choose and follow through. You've always done that and I respect that aspect of your personality, I really do.
And, I'm glad I can finally tell you, my dear friend.

auntiegwen said...

hello again my lovely, so pleased you're back xxx

the fly in the web said...

So glad you're back.
Standing up to bullies isn't easy...but you just have to do it or you suppress all that is worthwhile in yourself.

Kitty said...

auntiegwen: Thank you! May I say it always lifts my spirits to see that, regardless of what life is throwing your way, you stay dignified, you take it with hardly a knock on the chin, then you ever-so-charmingly tell the bastards to go fuck themselves. I love that about you, it makes me giggle. They feel complimented afterwards, I'm sure. I think I need to pay better attention to how you do that... or I need lessons.

the fly in the web: You are right about the bullies, it's true. I grew up such a meek and frightened little mouse that sometimes I forget I don't have to take it anymore. It's easy to fall back into the mindset of allowing life to 'ride you', as Stickhorse Cowgirls would say, it can be an easier option than taking full and complete responsibility for everything. I prefer failing and succeeding and knowing it was me causing it instead of a situation into which I was forced.
I just need to keep telling myself this.

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